Why people-pleasing is keeping you stuck in the burnout cycle

People-pleasing is often a defence mechanism; it’s designed to keep you safe.

‘Stay inoffensive, stay small and stay quiet’, it says. ‘That way, you won’t feel the cruel sting of rejection, criticism or cruelty’.

It is therefore a very common side-effect of ADHD.

With something like rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), where it can feel physically painful to receive ‘feedback’ or having masked (and tried desperately to fit in) for most of your life, sticking your head in the sand sounds like the sensible choice. Right?

But actually, here are 5 ways it keeps you trapped in the burnout cycle.

1.        You keep saying yes.

You’re currently spinning loads of plates, work is manic, you want to go to the gym to clear your head… and then a valued and well-loved friend asks you for some help.

Maybe you could squeeze them in? Just this once? You haven’t spoken to them in months, after all. And it’ll only take thirty minutes. Maybe you can just go on an extra-long walk home.

While admirable in intent, capitalising on the spontaneous moment, and giving to others (which usually fills your cup) it could be something that depletes you further.

Before pushing all your plans to one side in service of another, perhaps consider: do you actually have capacity to help them today? Or are you running on fumes?

2.        You’re secretly seething… like, all the time.

You get in from work and purposefully leave your shoes on to stay in ‘active’ mode. You unload the dishwasher, reload it, go back out again to pick up bits for dinner, start cooking (after cleaning up the mess on the surfaces from breakfast)… and then your partner emerges from their nap to give you a kiss.

And in that moment, you could scream. But you don’t.

So you carry on cooking dinner, multi-task by putting a wash on and manage to help your son with their maths homework (even though your partner is an engineer).

This anger and resentment at ‘having to push through… or else the wheels come off’ is making you ill.

Asking for help, or upholding boundaries as to how much you do or offer to your partner; your team; your children, is the first step in getting your energy back.

3.        You’re showing a version of yourself that isn’t 100% you.

When we’re people-pleasing, we’re actively putting other’s ideal versions of us ahead of our own. We’re trying to be the perfect daughter, mother, or employee based on success criteria of those external to ourselves.

This means we’re losing touch with our own values as they become decentred. And our values shape our identity.

That means that often, we’re assuming an identity that feels removed from our true selves… which can be hard to shift. And sometimes, that identity becomes more prevalent than our own.

4.        …And you’re terrified the mask is going to slip.

As people-pleasing is often lead by fear, it can be frightening to think that others might see the ‘real’ you – messy you; emotional you; unpolished you.

Again, this skews our values and tips us into burnout – that fear of being ‘found out’ keeps us motivated to maintain the mask, and the mask often mean hyperfunctioning.

We often over-commit, over-work and over-achieve to hide the enormous insecurity that we’re not ‘enough’. And then, we become known as the most reliable and valuable member of the team… because we go above and beyond as a default, without being asked.

5.        You expect others to be as considerate as you.

When people let you down, disappoint you, basically, don’t go above and beyond like you would… it’s painful.

Why have I put all this effort in to get nothing back?

The brutal truth? Because no one asked you to, or expected that of you as a baseline. You can’t control or influence the behaviour of other people… and constantly giving to them is not going to make them give back.

Think of energy and effort as an investment – only place high-yield deposits somewhere that you’re going to get a good return. And places that don’t expect you to go above and beyond, or don’t do the same for you? Bin them off.

 If you’re looking to conquer your people-pleasing tendencies, manage your burnout or start living as the main character in your own life, I’d LOVE to be your coach. I can’t wait to hear from you!🌸